Monday, 4 January 2016

Finding my suicide note

Last year I tried to kill myself. I had been planning my suicide for months. I had decided how I was going to do it and where. It was only a matter of time until when. I have wanted to commit suicide many times during the last three years. I am not ashamed to admit that as it is my past and I survived it. I shouldn't be ashamed of my past as everything happens for a reason and one day my life will fall into shape (if that makes sense!). However this time was different I was so certain on every aspect of what I as going to do. I had began having mental breakdowns at school where I would fall to the ground screaming, but yet there was 'nothing wrong with me' and there still is 'nothing wrong with me'. What a lot of (mind the language) bull shit that is.

Today I got in the mood to tidy my room. My environment was too messy and cluttered, it was making me feel even more down than I already felt. I began pulling out the things underneath my bed and I found this notebook. As soon as I saw it I knew what it was. My suicide notes. I had wrote the names of all the people I wanted to write to on each page but over half of them were not filled in. I had tried to kill my self before it was finished. I had however wrote a few things to a few people in there. I had actually only wrote things for two people: my little sister (well she was my best friend but we call each other sisters) and my best school friend at the time.

For my sister I had only wrote four lines. They were saying things about how I had never had a sister but I didn't need one as I had her. It was saying that she was my best friend and when she left she took half my heart. For my best school friend I wrote a lot. I wrote 1 and a half pages. I am going to write exactly what I wrote to her as it has made me realise how much friends mean to you and how having people around you can make so much difference. It did make me cry reading this as it has made me know that I should value what I have got more as I have got so much more than I say.
'Occasionally we fight, occasionally we argue yet you were always the person who made me smile. You stuck by my side and didn't tell anyone what I was going through. I may not of been able to give you much but I gave you my trust. You didn't steal it, you didn't test it, you didn't loose it. You kept it, you kept my trust. Not many people have done that. You were the first person to ever notice something was wrong. I had built my walls so high over this last year but they all came crumbling down to you. I'm as fragile as a piece of glass but I have to pretend to be as strong as concrete. I have to smile when I want to cry, put others first. To them I'm normal, they don't know I have problems and if they do my problems don't matter. With you that's different. You are about me. I've not told anyone this but I guess you need to know, I've tried to kill myself many times. To me my life isn't worth living and I really hope God will forgive me and understand. If you are reading this then I've finally achieved it, I'm gone. Thank you for treating me as equal, thank you for always finding a way to make me smile. To me you are amazing: you're talented, you're beautiful and you have an ideal body. It hurts me to know you're sad and please don't be sad over me. Thank you for giving me the power to last another day. Stay strong. I love you so much. Goodbye.'
Its hard for me to say anything after writing that up but I needed to share this. I needed to say no matter how hard it may seem you can get through this. Every single day that you wake up is a new start. For me every day is a miracle because I know how close I have come to ending it all and not waking up for another day. That day I phoned Childline right before I was going to kill myself and they were the only reason I am still alive today.

I am thankful for what I have. I may be suffering with a sadness which is so painful but I will keep right on until the end of the road.

Scarlett x

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