Thursday 28 January 2016

The days when I can't walk

Hi,

Whoever said 'no pain, no gain' obviously never had chronic pain.

Thought this week there have been many days where I cannot bend my legs and some day I cannot even walk. I have suffered my whole life with eczema yet it still hurts me just the same, it still upsets me every day. I dream of being able to just walk, without being in pain without wondering if people can see me limping or wondering if I look stupid when trying to get up stairs. The fact is it may not cross others minds, it may, but it may not, however it crosses my mind almost every moment of everyday.

Being able to walk pain free is a blessing. Being able to walk without showing the pain is a skill.

The thing about being in pain 24/7 is the amount it takes out of you. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. It literally drags you down more and more, the worst thing about it is, it's never going to go away...

The sad reality is, if I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt I would actually think I was dead! I'm not even joking!

When my skin flares up it feels like I have ripped out all of my skin. It feels like I have clawed out all of my skin. It feels like I am on fire and it's sad.

There is a quote which says:

Do not judge a girl on what you can see,
She may be fighting cancer,
Or an incurable disease,
She could be a girl in chronic pain.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is hurting.
She may look young,
But she feels decades older.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks
She cleans, she works, when she can,
And sometimes when she hurts.
She IS, but she IS NOT all at once.
She is here, but part of her is missing.
She fights a battle that you will need see.
But if you can take a moment
To look beyond the smile,
You might see that the girl is me.

Love,
Scarlett x

Distraction from your phone whilst working

When revising you procrastinate by thinking about not procrastinating! It is impossible for you not to procrastinate so there is no point pretending that there is.
When you are revising your electronic devices are the most desirable thing ever. Nowadays and especially to our generation we find it hard to be drawn away from our mobiles and other electronics. Studying is more important than going on your phone and I hope we all know that but when revising your phone seems like the most important thing ever. I have a few suggestions on how you can combat this urge to be on your phone.

1: give your phone to someone else
If you feel like you cannot trust having your phone in your possession or in your room then give your phone to someone else. If you are at home then give your phone to a family member. If you are at school then you can ask one of your teachers to look after your phone or one of your friends. This will make sure you concentrate on your work as you will not be temped to go and get your phone. Best of all this works for everyone not just for me. A similar concept is used in my school. During school hours we are not allowed our phones out and if we do have them out they will be confiscated and then we will be punished. When you first here it this sounds so bad but this means that in lessons you do not have that distraction. People will still go on their phones but if they're caught then they will be given a detention and therefore will not do it again (maybe!). So if this type of concept works inside school then hopefully it should work for you guys.

2: turn of your phone and put it away
If you don't feel comfortable giving your phone to somebody else and you would like it near you but you would not like the distraction then just turn it of! Instead of turning it of and leaving it by you where you will most likely end up turning it back on and going on it put it away somewhere safe where you can't see it. Say you have a chest of draws put it inside there or put it on your bed if you are revising on your desk. Put your phone in your bag or your jacket. Or put it somewhere far away from you. This will mean that you are less likely to go on it as you physically have to get up, walk to it and then turn it on. During this time you will most likely of decided it is not worth your effort and would have gone back to your work.

3: put your phone on silent
If you want your phone on so that you can use it to revise, or so you can write the next chapter of that essay you have on your notes. Do you need to read up about stem cells for a research project, or edit your YouTube video and you keep on getting notifications? If you are getting distracted by your phone constantly buzzing from that one friend who is badgering you to FaceTime them even though you have told them a hundred times already that you can't because you are busy then you have to be selfish to yourself and mute them. If they are a good friend then they will be understanding of the reasons why you muted them. If they're not understanding then it will be their loss when they come to the exam and they don't know the answer because they were not revising. Or they will be the one asking for shoutouts when your YouTube channel gets a large following. They will proborbly be the person who is asking to copy someone's homework outside the class. If your phone is on silent you will not get distracted from people who do not understand why you are working. It is your choice to work or not to work, please do not be rude to those who wish to do otherwise.

School is one of the most important times of your life. Whether you like it or not how hard you tried in school will have an output in the rest of your life. You shouldn't let school ruin your friendships but you do have to realise that sometimes it will be more important to not go to that party and to stay in and revise. You have to be harsh on yourself in order to succeed. In the end of the day hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard.

Scarlett x

Wednesday 27 January 2016

Suicidal thoughts...

Hey,

I don't know how to start this but to say I am Suicidal again. I have tried to kill myself almost every day in the past week. I am reaching out for help and I know how important it is for me to get it now. At the moment my brain is blaming everyone else. Saying it is there fault. That they should of helped me before I got into this state again. But it's not their fault, it's no ones fault.

The other day I wrote this. I don't know what to class it as but I thought I would share it with you guys. So here it is:

What a wonderful thing it is to see your dreams be pushed aside,
Did you loose them or just drop them in the confusion that is your life?
The beautiful solution to the scrutinising solution of how to utilise your already untied life.
Is simply suicide.

Scarlett x

Saturday 23 January 2016

Mock results- December 2015

Hey,

As promised I will be sharing my mock results with you guys today. I am not disappointed in the results I got even though I have failed some of them. As for Spanish we were doing a foundation paper and we had not been taught anything for the exams as we had been focusing on our coursework. I also did not pass in physics but I find it so hard so I wasn't expecting to.  I am really pleased with my English and also with my chemistry as I didn't think I would do that well.

Biology: C
Chemistry: C
English: A*
ICT: B
Maths: B
Physics: D
Religious: A
Spanish: D and E

I didn't have a mock exam in ART or history which explains why it seems like I don't have many results.

If any of you have done mock exams or even your real GCSEs feel free to share them with me. Good luck for anyone taking their exams this summer, we can do it if we try our best.

Love,
Scarlett x

Wednesday 20 January 2016

My dad broke my heart

Hi,

Isn't it meant to be your ex who brakes you heart? Not your dad. My dad broke my heart a long time before any boy did, in fact a boy has never broke my heart. Your dad is meant to be your hero, your knight in shining armour. He is meant to be the one who threatens to beat up the first boy who falls in love with you because he doesn't want you to get hurt. Yet he was the one who did the breaking. He took my heart between his hands and snapped it right in half.

Isn't there a saying where it says "If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love"? So is this his way of showing that he loves me because he if it is then it is hurting me more and more every day just to cope with him.

Yet I am proud of my heart. It is the only thing of my whole body I am proud of. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken but somehow it still works throughout every thing he has done. The thing is I have fallen out of love with my dad and the worst thing about falling out of love, is wondering if you'll ever open up that far again.

Scarlett x

Monday 18 January 2016

Getting my first A*

Hey,

Literally all of my friends have got A*'s in the past as they have that one subject they are just really good at. I had never got an A* and it made me sad, I know its stupid to say but one of the things I want to achieve is to get one A* in my GCSE's.

In case you don't know an A* is the highest grade you can get in your GCSEs (finals).

We did mock examinations in December and today we got the results back. I was terrified, but exited. I just wanted to get them back as I was tired of waiting. I walked into my English class and my teacher handed me my paper.

I screamed!

My eyes started watering up as I looked onto my paper and saw that I not only had got an A* but I had also got the highest in my class! I had beat the girl who always gets A*s in everything. To be honest I was embarrassed, but the pride I felt was unreal.

Once I have got all of my results back I will make a post telling you them. As for now thanks for reading,

Scarlett x

Friday 15 January 2016

I hit one thousand views

OH MY GOSH!!!

I took a little break from my blog for a couple of weeks as I was not feeling happy in my life. I started to cut out my friends, my family and all support. I decided to come onto my blog today as I was going to write a blog post. When I came on here I saw the MOST AMAZING THING EVER!

I did not just hit ONE THOUSAND VIEWS, I exceeded it! Today my blog has been viewed 1041 times. That's one thousand and fourty one times that someone has clicked on my blog, that someone has read one of my posts.

THANKYOU SO MUCH! Even if you have clicked on my blog for the first time and you're like who is this weirdo (I'm Scarlett!) or if you are subscribed to my channel and you read every single one of my posts, you have gave me this amazing achievement. You have made me smile the biggest smile that I have done in such a long time. I never expected anyone to read my posts and I still don't understand why people do. I love my blog and I love writing on it, this number is insane!

Thankyou for reading and thankyou for helping me reach this accomplishment. This is not just for me it's for you guys!

Love, Scarlett x


Tuesday 12 January 2016

How to find the perfect prom dress

Hey,

On the 9th of January I bought my prom dress. Some people may think that this is way too early as prom is on the 24th of June, however you do have to buy it early and it was the PERFECT dress so I had to buy it! 

Everyone has their idea of what they want to wear to prom but when trying on dresses that idea may completely change. When you try on that dress you will know it is right. It will just look right and you will just feel right. 

The perfect dress is the dress which makes you feel beautiful and confident. It is not the dress which conforms with everyone else's view of what you should wear to prom. It is what makes you happy and that is how you find the perfect prom dress.

Love,
Scarlett x

Monday 11 January 2016

Winter essentials

Hey,

In the UK it has finally began to feel wintery. Oh the joys of being freezing cold and there only being about 8hours of daylight, if that! Now it has began to be full fledged winter I thought I would spread with you guys my winter essentials!

  • Candles
I love candles all year round but they just seem so much more meaningful in winter. I will literally burn any candle, it doesn't bother me the scent. However one of my favourite is the Yankee candle Christmas cookie as it sound like cookies which is just amazing!
  • Jumpers
Jumpers are literally the most amazing thing in existence, sometimes I just wish I could wear jumpers all year round! They keep you so warm and cosy and they are just all round amazing!
  • Pyjamas 
Most days I stay in my pyjamas and I only get dressed if I am going out. As I have eczema I will have to change into pyjama bottoms as soon as possible to stop irritation and the pain caused by normal trousers. However wearing pyjamas makes me feel so content with life and just chill. I do suggest you get dressed (or half dressed say pj bottoms with normal tops) when you are revising as you feel more focuses.
  • Hot chocolate
When it's cold it is so nice to just have a warm drink to make you feel all fuzzy and cosy inside! This is the way hot chocolate makes me feel, loved!
  • Big coats
Literally why is it so cold? Anyway it may be below 0 degrees out but we still got to go out and we still got to do things. Having a big coat, like a parka, will literally be your saviour! It will keep you so much warmer and can make you cope when outside.
  • Beanies
Knitwear is great! Scarves, gloves, jumpers and BEANIES! I have about 10 beanies of different styles and colours. I even have one with cat ears because cats are just great! Beanies make you so warm and they look cute and they're cheap and, and, and... AHHH I love beanies!
  • Squirty cream
Hot chocolate + squirty cream = perfection
That's all I need to say.
  • YouTube videos
On those cold dark evenings all you want to do is snuggle up in bed and watch a nice YouTube video.  What I love about YouTube is there is something to fit everyone's interests. There are videos to make you laugh, to entertain you, to teach you or just to make you smile when you are down.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Scarlett xxx

Saturday 9 January 2016

Buying my prom dress

Eeeeeeeeeeek!!!

Today I went shopping with my mom to look for the almighty prom dress. Prom is an important thing in all girls lives. We all want that one day where we get to dress up, be with our friends and simply feel like a princess! It may not seem like a big deal but it is a celebration of not only finishing your exams but also of getting through school. School is hard and this is the party to end that part of your life. If you don't go you may regret it, in the end of the day however it is your choice.

When shopping I went into house of Fraser. That is when I saw it. The PERFECT dress! It is a dark, but bright blue with a flattering embellishment around the boobage area. I knew I would have to get it turned up anyway because I am literally the smallest person in the existence of man, so I wasn't surprised to see that it was way too long. However in my opinion it looked so good sooooo I got it!!!

If you want to see a picture of my prom dress and of the other things I bought whilst out today then follow this link to my Pinterest board I made all about it: http://pin.it/thyVi_W

Thanks for reading,

Scarlett x

Q: What colour dress would you/ did you wear at prom?
My answer: blue or burgundy.

Wednesday 6 January 2016

DIY revision hacks

Heyyy,

Revision is one of those things which you never truly know how to do it correctly. In England most of the schools are back in (pray for me) so let's kick start a new year. I want to be on my revision game this year as to do the best I can in my GCSEs. I thought I would make this post to not only remind myself but also to help you guys. These tips are what I find useful so let's hope you do too!

Plan ahead
List your assignments/ due dates as soon as you find them out. Then decide a date of when to start working on it and a date of when you want it done by. This should ensure that you get your homework and revision completed in time. I know revision and doing homework may not seem 'cool' but doing it is going to benefit you're grades and it will teach you to be prepared for later life.

Make lists
To do lists were literally my holy grail last year. I would get home every day and write down everything I wanted and needed to do that night. Then I would highlight the things that had to be done by the next day and make sure to do them first. After that I would do all of the other things. Then I will do any other revision I can depending on how tired I am or how much work I have down. I know this sounds like it's a lot of work but it will be worth it in the end when I get the grades which make I am proud of.

Take breaks
I know you may want to spend every minute of the day before your exam revising but that will not benefit you in a good way. You have to allow yourself to have breaks in order for your brain to function correctly. I would work for about 45minutes and then have a break. You have to discipline yourself. You can spend your whole day binging a season of vampire diaries but when it gets near to exam time you need to limit those episodes. Watch one or two but then do one or two hours of revision. If you are finding it really hard to revise then for every one page you read or write then let yourself have a five minute break, say a YouTube video or something. Then you can do 6pages and you will have half an hours worth of break which you have built up. Set yourself realistic goals and realistic breaks.

Reward yourself for your achievements
Did you just take a final exam? Then celebrate in whatever way you want to. When I had my final Spanish exam me and my friend hung out together and watched films and danced a hella lot! However your goals don't just need to be for big things they can be for the little things. Say you followed your revision timetable for the first day ever then reward yourself. Stop revising half an hour earlier and just chill. Set yourself small goals as well as large goals and reward yourself for all of them. This will encourage you to work harder. You're achievements however big or small are still things you have acomplished and you should celebrate that.

I hope this has been helpful to you people and just writing it has been useful for me. If you have any other tips then just tell me and I proborbly write another blog post.

Thanks for reading!

Love,
Scarlett x

Monday 4 January 2016

Finding my suicide note

Last year I tried to kill myself. I had been planning my suicide for months. I had decided how I was going to do it and where. It was only a matter of time until when. I have wanted to commit suicide many times during the last three years. I am not ashamed to admit that as it is my past and I survived it. I shouldn't be ashamed of my past as everything happens for a reason and one day my life will fall into shape (if that makes sense!). However this time was different I was so certain on every aspect of what I as going to do. I had began having mental breakdowns at school where I would fall to the ground screaming, but yet there was 'nothing wrong with me' and there still is 'nothing wrong with me'. What a lot of (mind the language) bull shit that is.

Today I got in the mood to tidy my room. My environment was too messy and cluttered, it was making me feel even more down than I already felt. I began pulling out the things underneath my bed and I found this notebook. As soon as I saw it I knew what it was. My suicide notes. I had wrote the names of all the people I wanted to write to on each page but over half of them were not filled in. I had tried to kill my self before it was finished. I had however wrote a few things to a few people in there. I had actually only wrote things for two people: my little sister (well she was my best friend but we call each other sisters) and my best school friend at the time.

For my sister I had only wrote four lines. They were saying things about how I had never had a sister but I didn't need one as I had her. It was saying that she was my best friend and when she left she took half my heart. For my best school friend I wrote a lot. I wrote 1 and a half pages. I am going to write exactly what I wrote to her as it has made me realise how much friends mean to you and how having people around you can make so much difference. It did make me cry reading this as it has made me know that I should value what I have got more as I have got so much more than I say.
'Occasionally we fight, occasionally we argue yet you were always the person who made me smile. You stuck by my side and didn't tell anyone what I was going through. I may not of been able to give you much but I gave you my trust. You didn't steal it, you didn't test it, you didn't loose it. You kept it, you kept my trust. Not many people have done that. You were the first person to ever notice something was wrong. I had built my walls so high over this last year but they all came crumbling down to you. I'm as fragile as a piece of glass but I have to pretend to be as strong as concrete. I have to smile when I want to cry, put others first. To them I'm normal, they don't know I have problems and if they do my problems don't matter. With you that's different. You are about me. I've not told anyone this but I guess you need to know, I've tried to kill myself many times. To me my life isn't worth living and I really hope God will forgive me and understand. If you are reading this then I've finally achieved it, I'm gone. Thank you for treating me as equal, thank you for always finding a way to make me smile. To me you are amazing: you're talented, you're beautiful and you have an ideal body. It hurts me to know you're sad and please don't be sad over me. Thank you for giving me the power to last another day. Stay strong. I love you so much. Goodbye.'
Its hard for me to say anything after writing that up but I needed to share this. I needed to say no matter how hard it may seem you can get through this. Every single day that you wake up is a new start. For me every day is a miracle because I know how close I have come to ending it all and not waking up for another day. That day I phoned Childline right before I was going to kill myself and they were the only reason I am still alive today.

I am thankful for what I have. I may be suffering with a sadness which is so painful but I will keep right on until the end of the road.

Scarlett x

Friday 1 January 2016

Looking back on 2015

Hi

The end of 2015 is fast approaching and I don't know why but I am sad about that. I want these Christmas holiday to never end as I'm really not in the mood to go back to school. Anyway enough of that, 2016 is going to come and I just have to deal with that one step at a time.

Last year I made three resolutions. The first one was to never give up... This year I tried to kill myself and that sort of spells out that I gave up. I feel so ashamed of this now but it was in the past and hopefully this time I will learn from it.

The second was to get fit. This I did achieve as this year I did my duke of Edinburgh practices and the final. Also I took up Thai boxing (which I hated).

The last resolution I made last year was to do more things that make me happy. I'm not sure if I achieved this as for some parts of the year I pushed away anything and anyone as I was so intent on not living that I didn't want sympathy. On the contrary I have also spent more time with friends, tomorrow I am having my first friend come properly around my house. I have smiled and laughed a lot more. I have made a fool of myself, which I love. There are more positive factors than negative factors so if this is like maths then the positives have outweighed the negatives therefore meaning I was successful with this.

This year i have done a lot of things for the first time. I have sat a mock examination not knowing one thing. Even though I truly expected to fail I still tried my best and made sure to answer all the questions. I put myself in that situation and I understood that there would be consequences to it. However I tried my best and that's all I could of done. I couldn't go back and change it. I will be going to my first party this year. I have crossed over my boundries of my comfort zone and it made me realise that I could do more things than I fought. This year I have learnt so many valueble experiences. I have learnt the value of a true friendship. This year I found my true friends, the people who I would do anything for and who would do anything for me. I have finished all my Spanish and science coursework. I have learnt to be able to confide in people and not to keep my feelings in.

This year may of been bad but I have had some amazing experiences. I hope your 2015 has been a good one. If it hasn't then make a change so that your 2016 is different.

Scarlett x

New Years resolutions - My goals for 2016

Happy New Year!

Like last year I have made a few resolutions for things which I would like to achieve this year. I do not think I will be able to achieve everyone of these resolutions however I will give it my best shot.

Exercise more
In 2015 I did begin to exercise a lot more than I previously had. However what I was doing to exercise was not enjoyable to me and therefore I did not try. I want to begin playing Just dance, jogging, doing push ups and star jumps twice a week at least. As it will be my decision to choose what I want to do I can alter what I want to do to fit the weather and my mood. Even if I only spend 5-10 minutes doing it that is still a good start.

Follow my revision timetable
Last year I slacked and did not try with revision much. I wouldn't follow my revision timetable which meant when I was revising, which wasn't as often as I needed to be, I was doing what I wanted to do not what I needed to do. I am taking my actual GCSE exams this year and I want to pass them all. I want to put in so much effort and make it count because then when I get my results back I will know that I tried my hardest.

Stop being afraid
This year I want to face my fears. I want to visit the London Bridge which has a glass floor and walk over it as I am afraid of heights. However I do not just want to face my fears I want to not let my every day anxieties get to me. I want to be prepared in order to be less stressed. I want to do the things I want to do and not refrain because I am afraid of what others think of me. I want to be truly open about my feelings as that will be the way I can work around them. I want to wear what I want in order to make me less ashamed of the person I am. I want to make school worthwhile and I also want to be prepared straight away from college.

Become more happy
Now I'm not sure how I am going to achieve this one but I am just going to take it one step at a time. I am going to surround myself by the things and the people which make me happy. I had already began doing it last year (seems weird to say as I am writing this in 2015 and this is going up in 2016) and it feels so much better. If I start feeling sad, whatever I am doing, I will go and do something which will make me feel better. If I am in class I will either ask to leave or tell someone around me I am feeling bad. If I don't do either of them I will draw or simply highlight my work to try and distract myself.

There are obviously other things which I would like to achieve in 2016 however these are just some of the main outlying ones.

Thank you for the pride you guys have gave me throughout this year when I have turned on my account and be overwhelmed at the response. Thank you for the comments and advice which people have been leaving. Most of all thank you for giving me a space where I can let out all of my feelings however big or small. I never expected to get such an emotional connection towards my blog but it truly makes me so happy and accomplished whenever I post. When I am writing this post I have 935 views on my blog. That's 935 times my blog has been clicked on and viewed. Whether it was by mistake or not it means so much to me.

Thank you for 2015, I hope yours has been a good one.

2016, bring it on!

Scarlett x