Thursday, 24 December 2015

Im dreading christmas.


As I am writing this it is Christmas eve, so happy holidays to all of you.

Christmas is a time to be with the people you love, the time for you to be with family and friends, the time to relax.

Christmas is going to be hard for me. As you may or may not know my relationship with my family is very bad. Mainly it is due to me, but to be honest everything is my fault so that's not much of a surprise.

You are meant to go to your family with your worries. The thing is though I don't want to go to my family and I don't think I ever will. I don't want my parents to understand my situation. My parents have been told almost everything about the way I am feeling yet they still say that its nothing, that I'm fine and that I'm making it up. They should of been supportive, but not just when they found out. They have not been supportive throughout my life. I would be on the floor, hysterically crying and they would simply look at me and walk away. If they said anything they would simply say "there's nothing I can do". I needed that support. I needed them to bend down and to hold me. I needed them to kiss my cheek and wipe away my tears and tell me it is okay. I NEEDED IT.

Why should I want to reach out to the people who have refused to help me and give me advice. Why should I be expected to try and fix our families relationship. The fact is our families relationship was broken the day I was born but even when I was too young to make any difference in fixing it my parents left it broken. They did not support me. I understand now why. The thing is I am not the child they wanted. My lungs don't work properly, my skin is constantly ripped and bleeding, I am in constant pain: if not from my medical conditions then from my mental conditions, I am depressed, I am suicidal, I have anxiety and maybe even autism. My parents aren't the most accepting of people and I am literally the worst nightmare for them. Nothing about me is right.

Especially my dad. Why am I expected to have a good relationship with him of anyone. He was the one who I gave my trust to yet he broke that trust. He broke that trust in the worst of ways, he took it in between his hands and he ripped it in a million pieces. I cant mend that trust. I cannot be expected to. People can look down on my with disappointed whispers and judgements for this but how am I meant to trust him. The person who used to scream at me every single morning. He would blame me for everything. He would push me down onto the floor and scream into my face. I can still feel the spit spraying from every word and him 'accidently' walking into me. I still remember how he would call me shit every single week and how he belittled me.

I want a family who loves me.

I want a family who will tell me it will be okay in the end.

However I don't have that. This Christmas I have to spend time with my family. I guess I should be thankful as I do have a family whereas some people do not.

Scarlett x

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