Wednesday, 23 December 2015

I dont understand my feelings


The first time i started to reach out about my feelings I had 'mind, body, spirit' sessions with this man named John. In those sessions we would do yoga and exercise. I hated it. It wasnt the exercise I hated, it was John. He made me feel so uncomfortable.

Anyway John used to always tell us to fake our feelings: to fake that we were confident, to fake that we were happy as at one point we will not be faking ot anymore, we will truely feel that way. I have followed his advice, even to this day. However it does not work.

Every single day I will wake up and not want to get out of bed. Not for the reason most other people do, because they are tired or they are warm, I feel like I cannot leave. It is like there is a weight on my chest pushing down on me, a constant feeling of tears but yet I force myself out. I get up and i make my way through my world which seems constantly dull and in the darkness. I have to pretend I am happy. But who am I pretending for? Not me. I will fake a smile and push away my sadness, righr until the evening when i am emotionally exhausted. I cannot push it away anymore. I just lie, almost motionless. I close my lifeless eyes. I dont feel anymore. Every single time i push my feelings away they get stronger and stronger.

I am scared.

I have been here before.

I know how that ended. I know that the same result is approaching and it seems that I do not care. I am far from hurting. I am broken into a million pieces and those pieces are scattered around my body. Some of those pieces are lost. I am unfixable. Even if my pieces are glued back together, i will never be a whole. The cracks will still show and those pieces which are lost I will never get back. My scars may of began to fade but just because you cannot see them doesnt mean theyre not there. They are deep inside my body.

Scarlett x

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