Endless hours lying awake, unable to sleep gives you a lot of time to think. To think about the horrible thoughts which make me physically sick. Those thoughts have made me do things to myself which I cannot even fathom to speak. It has made me ashamed of myself and embarrassed to be in my own body. I am fully aware of the consequences of what I have done to myself and what I have tried to do. I am aware of what 'help' would consist of.
The fact is yes I need that help, but I am too scared to have it. I am too scared for people to know the fucked up thoughts in my head. Mental health may be more openly spoke about but it is still a sore subject. Most people would rather just ignore it and pretend it's not their then help people struggling with those difficulties. I am scared of the negative stereotypes people have with depression and anxiety. I am scared those stereotypes will be associated with me.
I will reach out but in small parts, I've built my walls so high that I can only climb a small bit at a time. However a small step in that direction is better then no step at all.