Friday, 26 February 2016

What I wish I could tell my parents

I am not the perfect daughter which you expect me to be and I am not going to apologise for that.

I am not going to say sorry for my mental health problems and for the illnesses which make you feel sick every time you look at me. However I will say sorry for something, I will say sorry for not speaking my mind. For not telling you how much you upset me and hurt my feelings. For not contradicting you when you say judgemental comments about what people look like, what they're wearing. For not telling you are wrong for prejudging against colour or race.

Do not take credit if on how I have grown up because everything I think I have chose to think myself and everything I want to do you had no input in. When I am older and I am volunteering in hospitals and homeless shelters then will you be proud of me? Then will you finally be proud of me. No you wont, you want me to be an electrician. To earn loads of money, when money doesn't matter to me. Yes of course I would like it but I would much rather be doing what makes me happy: helping people.

What would you think if you knew the amount of times I have broke down in tears because of the pain I feel inside. Or the fact I have been depressed for 3 years and had anxiety for even longer then that. What would you think if I told you that I was not only suicidal but in fact I had tried to kill myself. What would you think if you knew I had been in love with a girl. What would you think if you knew how badly I was bullied at the start of secondary school.

I remember the day when Childline told me that my dad was emotionally abusing me. I remember how it seemed such a shock even though deep down I knew that he was all along. Would you be proud if I grew up to be just like you, calling my children pieces of shit and not being there for them when they need me.

I am not going to follow in your footsteps.

I am going to be my own person. I am going to treat my own children with so much love and so much respect. I am going to stand in front of school assemblies and speak about my mental health issues. I am going to smile and I am going to laugh even if you make me cry so many times. I will rise triumphant and I will be a success.

People say that your upbringing will map your life out for you, but I will not let that happen. I will continue to hurt every day, I will continue to fake a smile and maybe one day I will of beat my depression. However I cannot thank you for it.

It upsets me that my family and my home does not comfort me or make me feel safe. I will allow this to change but my anxieties and insecurities are so high that it may take years.

Scarlett x

1 comment:

  1. You can get through anything Scarlett xxxx
    Thanks sooo much for nominating me for the Liebster Award! The answers are now on my blog xxx ❤️❤️❤️