Telling my school I'm suicidal

Hey,

So lately I keep trying to kill myself. I have been suicidal and depressed for give or take 3 years. However now it's just getting worse and worse. It's got to the point where I know I need to reach out otherwise I might not be alive. I know this week is meant to be like celebration and stuff for my birthday but I'm not in the right mind state to allow myself to have fun. I can celebrate my birthday some other time, as for now this is more important.

I don't know how long I will be kept in hospital or whether I will be took to hospital at all. Whatever happens I just want to say thank you to anyone who cared about me or just bothered to read my posts. I will update you on this soon. If I am in hospital some posts will still go up as they're scheduled but as soon as I can I will report back on how the whole situation went.

Thankyou for everything, love you lots x

Scarlett x

What I wish I could tell my parents

I am not the perfect daughter which you expect me to be and I am not going to apologise for that.

I am not going to say sorry for my mental health problems and for the illnesses which make you feel sick every time you look at me. However I will say sorry for something, I will say sorry for not speaking my mind. For not telling you how much you upset me and hurt my feelings. For not contradicting you when you say judgemental comments about what people look like, what they're wearing. For not telling you are wrong for prejudging against colour or race.

Do not take credit if on how I have grown up because everything I think I have chose to think myself and everything I want to do you had no input in. When I am older and I am volunteering in hospitals and homeless shelters then will you be proud of me? Then will you finally be proud of me. No you wont, you want me to be an electrician. To earn loads of money, when money doesn't matter to me. Yes of course I would like it but I would much rather be doing what makes me happy: helping people.

What would you think if you knew the amount of times I have broke down in tears because of the pain I feel inside. Or the fact I have been depressed for 3 years and had anxiety for even longer then that. What would you think if I told you that I was not only suicidal but in fact I had tried to kill myself. What would you think if you knew I had been in love with a girl. What would you think if you knew how badly I was bullied at the start of secondary school.

I remember the day when Childline told me that my dad was emotionally abusing me. I remember how it seemed such a shock even though deep down I knew that he was all along. Would you be proud if I grew up to be just like you, calling my children pieces of shit and not being there for them when they need me.

I am not going to follow in your footsteps.

I am going to be my own person. I am going to treat my own children with so much love and so much respect. I am going to stand in front of school assemblies and speak about my mental health issues. I am going to smile and I am going to laugh even if you make me cry so many times. I will rise triumphant and I will be a success.

People say that your upbringing will map your life out for you, but I will not let that happen. I will continue to hurt every day, I will continue to fake a smile and maybe one day I will of beat my depression. However I cannot thank you for it.

It upsets me that my family and my home does not comfort me or make me feel safe. I will allow this to change but my anxieties and insecurities are so high that it may take years.

Scarlett x

Something I love about myself

Hey,

I've been working on this list for a while now. If you read the seven things I love about myself I did I was basically saying that I don't love anything about myself and honestly I don't. However I don't want to post nothing because Bella (http://belliary.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1) tagged me for a reason and that reason was to challenge myself.

I love my creativity

Creativity allows me to be who I am, an individual. It allows me to express myself when words cannot be found. It allows me to see the world as a blank canvas and to imagine what it could become. With creativity you see the good in everything. Even in the darkest of days there is still that flicker of light and hope. Creativity has saved me from myself and I know that may seem stupid to say because I mean look at me there's not much left saving. It is the reason I have survived each and every time I was loosing the battle with myself over these last three years. It has not won that battle for me as I am still fighting that battle each and everyday. To make it worse each and everyday it gets harder and harder because I am getting tired. They say to beat depression you have to be stronger than it. But I have never fought a battle this hard. )I know I'm going of topic here but it's all coming and I cannot stop this constant flow!) These three years have been hell, living hell. I just don't understand it. I know I have sinned God. But I am coming to you. I am coming to Heaven. I will see you soon, please forgive me for these sins. I love you.

I have had all the life I need. This life is not worth living anymore.

Goodbye,
Scarlett X

7 things I love about myself FAIL

Hi guys,

Bella from http://belliary.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1 tagged me to do this andddd I'm so nervous! I have such low self confidence! Honestly I don't love anything about myself and I have literally spent an hour trying to think of something to write. I despise myself and everything about myself. I am a failure in life and in attempts at death. I am suicidal like for fuck sake how can I love anything about myself!!!

I know this is a real dissappontment but I honestly have nothing to write and maybe when I do I will update this post

Scarlett x

Liebster award tag

Hey,

Rose from http://kisses-rose.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1 recently nominated me for the Liebster award tag, honestly before this I had never heard of this but I am sill honoured to be nominated. As part of the nomination you have to:
-Link back the person that tagged you (Rose)
-Answer all 11 questions which I will do below.
-Post the picture (my blog won't allow me to post pictures anymore so I'm really sorry but I can't do this one!)
-Tag 11 bloggers who have less then 1000 readers (at the moment I haven't tagged this many but I will update this when I tag more)

So here's to the questions

1. What's your favourite season
Autumn (fall in America) is my favourite as its so beautiful and it's cold enough so I can wear jumpers but warm enough so I don't freeze!
2. What was your least favourite age to be?
My least favourite age would of been 14. I didn't have a particularly good childhood but I was happy. When I got 13 my depression started and by 14 it was in full bloom. My anxiety was terrible and that was the year my dad became abusing me...
3. If you could learn a new language what would it be?
I would like to learn say japenise or French but I feel like I would want to learn sign language. It would be so useful to communicate with those whose hearing is impaired and I feel like it would help people. What I'm trying to say is sign language seems so much more worthwhile!
4. What shop do you buy most of your clothes from?
New look, I swear I have an obsession with slogan tshirts! New look is the BEST for slogan tshirts (especially ones about unicorns!)
5. What's your favourite board game?
I don't play board games...
6. Why do you blog?
Blogging is my outlet. If you have read my blog or this is your first time here then you have proborbly realised that I have feelings I cannot control. This is the place I can get out everything and there is only one secret that I will never tell anyone, not even my blog. However this is the place where I know I will not get judged and if I do then that doesn't say anything about me it says more about you! I love writing, I love every aspect of it. I love the look of words and the way they sound. I love how the 26 letters of the alphabet can be used to describe every aspect of your life. Blogging is so beautiful to me.
7. What was the first thing you did this morning when you woke up?
I cried because it's the first day back after the holidays and I had to wake up at 7!
8. What was the best holiday you ever went on?
To be honest I don't know. Last year I really liked my holiday but I was also extremely suicidal during it and my dad was still abusing me. I would have to say when I went on holiday with my friend Charlie for her birthday.
9. If you could be anywhere right now where would you be?
The annoying thing is for me I don't have anywhere in the world which comforts me and makes me feel happy. I haven't been on fancy holidays to Spain. But if I could be anywhere I would be in Portland with my best friend.
10. Do you have any pets?
Yes I do! At this moment my cat is laying between my legs purring whilst I write up this post! I have three cats called scruffy, Sam and phil (who is a girl). Also I have one hamster called Ant (Dec sadly passed away) and a countless number of fish.
11. Do you play any sports?
Does Procrastionation count...

I tag:
http://belliary.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1
http://thelifeofjades.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1
http://hopefulfaithfulandcreative.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1
http://lailabee.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

Questions for you:
1: how has your day been?
2: if you could be anything in your life what would it be?
3: tell me something from your bucket list
4: what's your favourite thing to do?
5: what's your favourite TV show?
6: do you/ did you enjoy school?
7: what's your opinion on ART?
8: tell me something about yourself
9: what's your favourite sweet?
10: why do you blog (I stole this question!)
11: do you prefer baths or showers?

Please comment once you've done this so I can check out your blog post! As for now keep smiling.

Love,
Scarlett x

Speech

Your speech is meant to be your identity, your way of expressing yourself. It is meant to open up a door of opportunities for oneself, but not for me.

My speech and in particular the voice in which I say it is not something I am fond of. I feel like it shows all my insecurities no matter how confident I may be feeling. My voice is not strong enough to finish a sentence and some days it's not even strong enough to speak. My voice box obviously can tell that all I do is speak rubbish. My voice brings back bad memories. Arguments, rude remarks and lies: all of which I spoke from my mouth. My voice may be a conversation starter but most of the time it is a relationship breaker. It has took away the good and left me to struggle in science, too scared to speak.

Scarlett x

My experience with bullying

Hey,

Many kids are bullied during school. I had got of lucky in Primary School, my school was a nice school and there was only one boy who used to pick on me every single day. In primary school I didn't have any friends but he was the only person who was mean to me, everyone else would just ask me to play with them. When I look back at how he treated me he did bully me but at the time I didn't take it to heart.

It was when I started secondary school I began being bullied. I was a little year 7 of 11 or 12 years when all hell strook loose. I made friends with this bunch of girls but it was obvious from the start that they didn't like me. They would always ignore me and try to spend as much time with me as possible. When around me they would whisper loudly remarks about me. They would run away from me. I would walk up to them and they would shout "look its her, the girl with gross skin" and then run of screaming. The thing is for me yes they called me ugly but that didn't upset me that much as at the time I didn't understand what was pretty and what was not. What upset me was that they picked on me for my skin. I could never change my skin and that was something I had to live with every day. I had so many sleepless nights because of the pain it caused me. I would scream in agony from it. Some days I would be unable to bend my legs and walk properly. Others my skin would be so ripped apart I would have to cover it in calamine lotion and jumpers even if it was summer. They had no right to pick on me, I couldn't help it. However that was the exact reason why they did it. I was an alien to them. They even turned my own twin brother against me. He wouldn't touch me, he wouldn't look at me or be in the same room as me. If I touched him he would run to the bathroom and wash his hands.

So I did the only thing I knew. I hid it. I wore trousers with long socks or tights underneath. I would wear skirts with tights in summer and if my knees were clear I would wear a skirt with knee high socks. I stopped being friends with them. I made friends with the only people who would except me. The people who didn't have any friends themselves. I made friends with every single person who sat alone and I bought them all together to form my friendship group. We were a group of rejects who had all formed together so that we were not alone. We became invisible to those in our year. I still heard people say things about my skin but it wasn't as bad. I wasn't friends with them, I was friends with the people who would never leave my side even if they created a horrible rumour about me. That's the thing about being a reject, you know what its like to be alone and have no one so you stick together, you stand up for each other. I didn't hear anyone talk about my skin for years until one day last year. I walked out of my physics exam and one of the PE teachers laughed at me and said to these girls "Of course she took triple science, she is a suck up with no friends and gross skin". I heard it but I didn't say anything. I just ignored it. But my heart didn't. I don't feel comfortable with any of my skin showing except my hands, head and neck.

If I hide it they cant hurt it. If I pretend it didn't upset me they wont say anything again. I pretended it didn't hurt me and then nothing else I have been said. That I know about anyway.

Bullying is wrong. You have to learn the where the line is between having a joke and being plain old mean. By pulling someone down you will never reach the top. Nobody has the right to define who you are. Be true to yourself because your opinion is the only one which matters. Once you let someone change the way you think of yourself it is hard to think any different. My thought of myself was changed nearly 6 years ago and it still upsets me every day that I cannot be confident in my body like I used to be.

Sticks and stones may break bones but words will leave bruises which will never fade. Think before you act. People have feelings, it isn't big to make others feel small.

Scarlett x

Grown ups - A poem

Teddy bears and good night kisses turned to crying myself to sleep.
The smiles I made were real but now they are mainly fake.
You had never heard the word insecure but now you hear it ever day.
It is bellowed down your eardrums all for your own sake.
Showers went from a place to wash  to a place to cry alone.
You thought tears could only be spilt when grazing a knee.
You're innocent eyes too blind to see.
People broken, fallen apart.
War all over the world.
Permanent goodbyes, living alone.
Struggling to buy food.

And we couldn't wait to grow up.

People assume I am smart

Hey,

At school I find it hard to understand the work quite often and whenever I ask for help the teachers usually reply with "you're a smart girl, you'll figure it out" or something like "I'm sure you will do well, you always do"

This frustrates me so much because I do not have a clue where they have got this idea that I am smart from, and even if I am smart why that means that they will not help me. The thing is I know that I am not a smart girl which makes it even more annoying. I hate it when I struggle at something and tell someone but they think I am lying because I am apparently smart.

I wish I was smart!

However I am not, I am stupid.

Let me ask you something. Does a smart person fail tests after spending so many hours revising and trying so ridiculously hard? Do they look at a page of writing and not be able to read a word of what it says? Or try to write things down but miss out so many words and not know the order of the letters or how to spell the word. Or write sentences which don't make any sense but their brain cannot correct the mistakes as it does not see them. Does a smart person spend hours crying because they cannot write and read properly and they struggle to understand so many things but no one will help them?

No they don't and that is exactly what I am like. It makes me so upset that I find it so hard to do these things that everyone else can do so easily. Why am I not like them?

Scarlett x

I walked out in front of a car

There was an eerie sound at the time. Almost like there was a voice screaming out through the wind. A voice that I could not quite hear. Was it telling me to stop, or to continue? Or was it even there at all? I walked up to the top of the bridge. I knew that I was ready. I stood there and looked at the surroundings. How would I do it? I knew I didn't want to go into the canal as I hated water and it was not a very precise method. I knew I couldn't jump because the ground was too close and it would just leave me with broken legs. So I did the only option left. I walked up the the kerb. I remember that it went silent at that moment. Into the middle of the road I walked. All the time thinking don't worry, you will be okay soon. I saw a car come around the corner and I knew that if I walked now it would hit me. So I walked.

It didn't even hurt when it hit me. I just fell onto the floor. My eyes began to close and I smiled as I knew I had done it. But as you can tell I had not done it. I was not dead. I was not hit. My eyes opened again and I looked around. The car was next to me, it had swerved into the over lane. I was still there standing. I started crying and I just ran of along the road.

Suicide isn't a laughing matter.

It is real and it is haunting me. Please don't make jokes out of mental health because the pain it brings to a persons life is horrible.

As soon as I was walking home I regretted it. Think it through before you do it. If that car hadn't swerved I wouldn't be here. If you are suicidal then just tell yourself, I will wait until tomorrow. Or do I really want this? What are the positives and the negatives?

Stay strong, I know that's hard to say and even harder to do, but please try.

Scarlett x