Today's post is something I don't really talk about but I just wanted to get it out in the open because I find holding things in really hard.
It all started half a year to a year ago. My mom had started working in the mornings so whenever I got up she was not there, it was just my dad. Every single morning I would come downstairs and get my breakfast and my dad would be sitting there, as though he was waiting for me. I would get my cereal and eat it in silence. Too scared to speak. Then he would begin to shout. It would be about anything and everything, he would blame me for things, say its my fault him and my mom wasn't as close anymore and that I'm not the way he wanted me to be. As it continued I got more and more scared of him to the point where I would hide from him and avoid him at all costs. I was terrified of him, I got exhausted from the constant stress, to the point where I worried for my safety. I didn't put it past him to hurt me, instead I was expecting him to hit me. Whether he was being extremely clever I don't know but he never did hit me, not properly. He would push into me purposely walk into me but never anything which wasn't an 'accident'
As I felt that I could confide in my pastoral manager in almost anything it slipped out to her and I ended up telling her everything that my dad did to me. The first thing I told her is that it worried me how often he shouted at me, how unsafe it made me feel. I told her that I dreaded being at home and how I used to hide from him. Then on the 21st of April was the first time he said it. The first time he called me shit. And almost as if it has been tattooed in my brain, I cannot forget and I cannot un hear it, but most of all I cannot forgive it. I cannot forgive it because that was the day I tried to kill myself and I cannot write that in any nicer words because that is simply just the way it was. Only a few days later I came downstairs to him shouting again. In my diary I wrote "he shouted at me so much that my body felt, as what I imagine, a heart attack to feel like".
It was hard coping with this every day. It was not just physically enduring but it was mentally challenging as I was always terrified.