Friday, 23 October 2015

Being completely honest


Earlier this week I was sitting in maths when I suddenly began getting horrible thoughts which I am not comfortable repeating. I went down to the pastoral office but there was a meeting so I had to carry on feeling like shit.

The next day I really couldn't cope. I was in IT and I kept on thinking about suicide and how nice of an option it seemed. Deep down I knew I didn't want to do it but I was so afraid I would. After that IT lesson I went straight to the pastoral office instead of going to Spanish. My pastoral manager was free so I walked up to her.

The first thing she said to me was "are you okay?" to which I simply replied with a shake of a head. I sat down and watched my fingers begin to shake. She sat next to me and I began talking. After a while I started telling her that I had been having horrible thoughts. She asked what they were and I began to cry. I CRIED! I started mumbling what they were and she was stroking my arm trying to comfort me. Then she asked me whether I have harmed myself and I refused to look at her or answer. I started crying even harder (bear in mind I hardly ever cry) and started nodding and saying I'm so stupid over and over again. She told me that its okay and she said she would have to phone my mom. All the time I sat there feeling like I was going to be sick any minute. I started mumbling about feeling stupid and worthless when she told me to look at her. I didn't look at her but I did stop talking. She sat there moving my hair to try and look at me. When I finally looked at her she said "all that comes out of you mouth are negative things. You aren't stupid you are just hurting inside and trying to express yourself. You need to believe in yourself because you are good at so many thing" to which I replied "I'm not good at anything". Then she had big long talk telling me things I'm good at and I ended up laughing.

I know it may seem hard to tell people things especially a teacher because they have to tell your parents but it feels so good getting it all out. I am not embarrassed or ashamed for how I acted, I am proud for opening up. Yes she told my parents but that's her job and I wouldn't have it any other way. Being honest is the best thing I could of done on that day as without her support I wouldn't of been alive the next day.

Find that person you can open up to and never be afraid to open up to them.

Love Scarlett x

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