Saturday, 23 April 2016

Why I sleep with stuffed animals


A feeling of safety has been lacked from my life. Not only do I have anxiety but I don't have a family who supports me. Even when my parents know a portion of what's wrong I still don't feel able to go to them when I'm upset. I don't feel comfortable confiding in them.

The strongest of people can only be so strong. They can only hold a certain amount of feelings up inside of them until they burst and let it all out. Comfort is needed in that time. There will not always be people there to hold you when you're down and as stupid as it sounds teddy bears do that for me. They give me the support I need without having to actually talk through my feelings. Unlike humans they will always be there.
This is really personal subject to speak about but I feel like we shouldn't be afraid to speak of these things. I do have depression and anxiety aswell as eczema which means I have horrible thoughts about myself, about my actions or things that will happen all the time. I have the overwhelming sence of sadness and guilt. That's hard to cope with. When it gets into the night and you're tired the thoughts you have been pushing away all day come flooding back. They strike. Like a dagger right through your heart. It hurts. It physically hurts. I would scream but I am scared of judgement. So I take the only thing to support me that I can. Teddy bears. As sad as this sounds I speak through my problems with them. I talk out my day. What I did good and what I did bad. I do it every single night. I face the wall. With my unicorn teddy against my back so that I know I'm safe and I know I'm not alone. If I can't feel her alone my back I worry and I feel so uncomfortable. I take one of my smaller teddies and hold them in my hand like a stress ball. Then I go through my day in my head. Sometimes I pretend that they are telling me about there day so I do actually end up talking through my problems. When I'm having panic attacks I pretend it's not me having one its them. And I speak them through it. I know this makes me sound like I'm crazy but I'm not like normal teenagers. I'm autistic.

Scarlett x

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