Hello there lovely people,
Today I'm typing something that I haven't explained properly to anyone but the thing is I don't care if I get judged for this because I am proud of what I have done. So read on and know how much this post means to me and thank you for being here reading my post.
For all my life I have been shy, I was the kid everyone took the mick out of and that was just the way it was. I didn't know life to be anything different. Through primary school I didn't really have any friends, I don't know why but I guess that's just what happens when you're ugly. The couple of people I did talk to I would always end up arguing with as I didn't trust them. When I got fed up of watching other people I would go to the only place I knew I would always be accepted, the netball pitch which the boys used for a game called Bulldog. Before then I didn't know what to do at break or lunch times but once I played there I felt as though I had a place, until the game got banned. I went back to being a loner the only thing to think about was lessons. I guess that's how I got good grades at primary school as I never did homework and I didn't know what revision was. When it finally came to the last day I walked out of that building with the highest levels (I still don't know the simple stuff though like times tables) and I was the only one left dry-eyed. That school was a prison to me; I hated it.
Then I started secondary school, which was great. I loved school, I was the kid who was sad when lessons ended and never wanted the clock to hit 3o'clock. That was back when I was happy, I had good friends and even though I was picked on badly that didn't really get to me. I hardly remember anything but I do remember that I was happy, however I cant remember what it feels like. It must of felt good. I crave to be back in year 7 with no cares in the world and when I used to like doing activities. Then when I got into year 8 I was still happy but that's when I started getting anxiety, it slowly got worse but I didn't know why I had it or what it was. I cant really remember much of that year but I know that it was still at the stage I could control it and I still managed to do okay at school. It was in year 9 when my anxiety got bad and it became a struggle, I started a course at school to try and calm it but it never helped. That year I tried so hard at school I didn't want to let it get in my way; it didn't but I lost my happiness that year. It was that summer where my depression started (at least I think that's what it is) and my life became a mess. I had everything then, even a boyfriend but I still felt like I was worthless, pathetic, useless and I wanted to die. When we were dating he asked me to promise him never to self harm and I agreed. We broke up not long after that and since then I haven't made another promise. For months after I didn't get any better or any worse I just stayed the same- sad. I never understood why I was feeling like this and I still don't. Then it got bad again I got pulled back into the war with myself and I haven't came out of it. I wanted to kill myself not long ago so I did something I have never done before to try and cope: I cut myself.
After I self harmed I did it four times in a week and that's when I realised I had a problem and I needed help. My anxiety increased and I haven't stopped feeling anxious for the last week. 2 days ago I got help. I was waiting outside my maths class and I was having an anxiety attack, I knew that there was no way of me going into that lesson so I didn't. Instead I waited outside and told my friends I would be in soon, I just needed a minute to myself. My friend Jess, she wouldn't leave. She was telling me that she couldn't leave me upset out there on my own and no matter how many times I told her to go away she stayed there with me. The thoughts got too much and I couldn't hold them in; I cried. That was the first time I had ever cried in front of my friend. It was when wiping my eyes she saw my cuts and she took my hand and told me the most supportive things I think anyone could of said. She told me that I need to tell someone before it got too bad and I said I wanted to. That's when my teacher came out and he was really concerned so he let us go to someone that I trusted. I hardly told the person I went to anything but I wish I had told him everything. He phoned my parents and told them that I cut myself and that it was out- just like that.
When I got home I went upstairs and I was too scared to go back down. I curled up in a ball in the bathroom and silently cried (which I'm very good at after all the practice). All I could think about is why didn't I just kill myself. When I finally got up and made my way downstairs the first thing I did was hug my mom and say sorry. They haven't asked about it, I think they know that when I feel it is right to talk to them I will. Until then I am gradually telling my friends: not everything, just something.
Now I'm not hiding the fact I have problems I have been less afraid to express my emotions. However now I have to cope with people knowing that I have these problems, at least now they cant say that I'm pretending.
I haven't beat my problems but at the moment I don't want to self harm again and I hope that I stick to it. I haven't felt suicidal since that day and I haven't got used to my problems. But what I have done is took a step in the direction I want to be going in- the direction of happiness.
Until next time stay awesome and thanks for reading,
Scarlett x
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