I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry that when you take a long time to reply, I get sad. I'm sorry that I say things that annoy you. I'm sorry if you don't like me as much as I like you. I'm sorry if I think about you too long and too often. I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. I'm sorry if I seem clingy, I just really miss you.
Before pressing send I stop and realise, I cant send this and through my gritted teeth I delete the message. Sometimes I wish I could stand up to him instead of apparently only existing when he needs something from me. It irritates me so much that I seem like a bit of rubbish in the gutter to him but to me he seems like a drug, addictive. When I'm with him everything sad seems to disappear, all the bad things in life get fixed and he saves me. He saves me from myself.
That's the thing about being depressed. You wait for someone else to come and make it all better. Which is what Felix does to me. He makes me whole again, he fills up the empty space inside and just like antidepressants he makes me smile again. Which is what I'm doing right now.
You asked me the truth, well the truth is that I like you. A lot. You make me happy, you make me smile. You're smart and different from the rest, you're crazy and always up for a laugh. You're awkward and its when you smile that you make my day. I'm obsessed with you and how you only have a dimple in one cheek and how I can disappear into your eyes. This is the truth Felix, I really hope that you feel this way about me too.
That was before I realised I had clicked send... "No! Stupid, stupid, stupid argh! I'm so stupid!" I scream realising that my life is over. I might as well just shoot myself right now and get it over and done with. He's going to get the message and he's going to show everyone so I will have to lie by saying I didn't send it. The only way to get out of this is not going into school until they would of forgot about it, which is never! Maybe I could transfer schools, tell my mom that I'm getting bullied. That would never work, "Why are you so stupid!" I exclaim hitting my palm of my forehead as I realize I'm going to have to face everyone at school. It's only when my phone beeps confirming a message that I stop, I pick up my phone and with my hands shaking I open the message.
We are all a little weird he replies. Oh that sounds amazing doesn't it, lets read on and see how he rejects me. and life's a little weird too. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love. See I knew it, he would never like me what was I thinking? More importantly, what does that message mean. I'm about to turn of my phone and decide different ways I could die when another message is received. You're so cute: I mean it's not only your looks which are cute it's your personality too. It's the things you say, your voice, your smile, the way you at me, your company. I like talking to you. No I LOVE talking to you! I love how we can be talking and you will fall asleep in the middle of our conversation because you have stayed awake so long just to talk to me. Even though you can be really weird I wouldn't want you any better because you're perfect the way you are.
Well... I guess I don't need to kill myself because he's just done it for me!