Hi guys,
I'm really sorry that the last few posts are really down heartening but I need to get out my feelings somehow and this is the way for me.
I used to be so messed up, I'm not perfect now, but I'm better than I was. You know how people always say 'it gets better' now I can finally believe that because for me it has got better. I still hate my life, I still hate myself but now I'm not always sad, sometimes I am happy. I want to tell you guys about when I gave up, just to give any of you hope that it gets better.
When I decided that I was going to give up Tuesday
I remember that it was a Tuesday, for the last few weeks I had been planning my suicide, I had been writing notes to all my friends and family giving them my honest opinion, saying thank you and saying sorry. My heart hurt so bad and I couldn't hold my feelings in, so I went to the park and googled child helplines. This one called Childline came up, I had heard of Childline so I decided to phone them. I spoke to them for 2 hours which basically consisted of me crying. Once I had done I decided that I would go home and prepare for the next day.
The day I was going to kill myself and the day I survived Wednesday
On the Wednesday I was going to kill myself, just plain and simple. I'm not going to specify how because I don't want to give anyone ideas, but lets just say I was going to go to these bushes that no one knows about and kill myself there.
That day, I still went to school as normal. It was the first day that I didn't pretend to be okay. I didn't try that day, I did work but not much I mean there was no point, I wouldn't be alive the next day. In total I had 3 mental breakdowns at school.
My last lesson was maths and I was in such a state that I refused to go into the room and I just sat on the floor in the corridor. My friend was there and I was shouting at her telling her to go away but she wouldn't leave me. When I lifted my arm to wipe my tears my sleeve came down and she saw my cuts. When she asked me why I did it I just sat there saying "I need help" over and over again.
As we had been quite a while my teacher came out and when he saw me crying on the floor he told me and my friend to go and talk to someone. The only person I said I would talk to was my IT teacher so we went to him. When there I wouldn't talk so my friend told him. He phoned my parents about it and when I went home I wasn't allowed out.
If my friend hadn't stayed with me, if she hadn't comforted me, if she hadn't told my secret then I wouldn't be alive today, simple as, and I am so thankful for her.
That's my story, I guess the reason I wanted to share this was for the people who are going through this. Please tell someone, I know that may seem hard but just tell someone something, anything. And for those people who aren't going though this chances are someone you know is so please support all of the people you know and never give up on them, give them the time of day and make them feel important.
That's all I can say, thank you for reading,
Scarlett
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
You should fall in love with your eyes closed
Salut,
Lately I've been really down again, so down that the pain inside is back, the pain that I thought had gone and lets just say I haven't been having the most present thoughts so sorry if this isn't all tip top or cheerio (sorry you wont get that if you're not British).
I think I'm in love with a boy I only just met but the thing is I know he wont like me back.
The thing about boys -this may seem vague but EVERY SINGLE boy I know is like this- is that they only go for the girls who are good looking even if those girls are mean. They never go for the girls like me who aren't popular, who aren't good looking, who aren't anything special, no matter how nice us girls may be. It shouldn't be that way.
I wish that people fell in love with their eyes closed. So that they would fall in love with the personality, not with the looks. Then they would fall in love with who you are as a person, they would fall in love with your insane laugh or the way you sneeze, instead of your appearance. One thing they don't realise is that beauty (looks wise) doesn't matter because that type of beauty doesn't last forever but a beautiful personality does. But most of all they need to realise that just because something is beautiful doesn't mean that it's good.
Sorry for the little rant but I had to post this. Thankyou (Merci!) for reading.
Au Revoir,
Scarlett x
Btw I don't know why I randomly went french
Lately I've been really down again, so down that the pain inside is back, the pain that I thought had gone and lets just say I haven't been having the most present thoughts so sorry if this isn't all tip top or cheerio (sorry you wont get that if you're not British).
I think I'm in love with a boy I only just met but the thing is I know he wont like me back.
The thing about boys -this may seem vague but EVERY SINGLE boy I know is like this- is that they only go for the girls who are good looking even if those girls are mean. They never go for the girls like me who aren't popular, who aren't good looking, who aren't anything special, no matter how nice us girls may be. It shouldn't be that way.
I wish that people fell in love with their eyes closed. So that they would fall in love with the personality, not with the looks. Then they would fall in love with who you are as a person, they would fall in love with your insane laugh or the way you sneeze, instead of your appearance. One thing they don't realise is that beauty (looks wise) doesn't matter because that type of beauty doesn't last forever but a beautiful personality does. But most of all they need to realise that just because something is beautiful doesn't mean that it's good.
Sorry for the little rant but I had to post this. Thankyou (Merci!) for reading.
Au Revoir,
Scarlett x
Btw I don't know why I randomly went french
Tuesday, 14 July 2015
Being clean
Hey,
So where I'm from people say you are clean if you haven't self harmed. Its been 49 days since I last self harmed when I'm writing this so I guess you would say I'm 49 days clean. In my opinion that word doesn't sum up anything. Being "clean" is so, so hard and that word does not express in any way what it feels like and how much you accomplish every single day but not self harming. Every single day you fight that urge, and every day that number goes up is another day that you can say 'I did it'.
The word clean will never portray what it is really like. What it is like to go every day hiding scars or trying not to make new ones, but most of all hearing people say things like "The fact of the matter is I know you're enough. So please don't cut, please don't". I know they mean well but to someone who is struggling to stay alive by being told something like that it can make that person feel so much worse, not only will they be sad but feel guilty. Just please be there for someone, even if you're not their friend a smile can make them feel so much better.
Basically I'm writing this in the hope that just one person can read this and help someone in the hope that they wont end up with me. Yes my scars are fading but I feel lost without them because once they start to fade the urge to bring them back becomes stronger and stronger. From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. I'm honestly glad to say that that story is that I survived.
Please reach out to someone in need and support them in whatever they are going through, just make one person smile because that smile could make a persons day.
Scarlett x
So where I'm from people say you are clean if you haven't self harmed. Its been 49 days since I last self harmed when I'm writing this so I guess you would say I'm 49 days clean. In my opinion that word doesn't sum up anything. Being "clean" is so, so hard and that word does not express in any way what it feels like and how much you accomplish every single day but not self harming. Every single day you fight that urge, and every day that number goes up is another day that you can say 'I did it'.
The word clean will never portray what it is really like. What it is like to go every day hiding scars or trying not to make new ones, but most of all hearing people say things like "The fact of the matter is I know you're enough. So please don't cut, please don't". I know they mean well but to someone who is struggling to stay alive by being told something like that it can make that person feel so much worse, not only will they be sad but feel guilty. Just please be there for someone, even if you're not their friend a smile can make them feel so much better.
Basically I'm writing this in the hope that just one person can read this and help someone in the hope that they wont end up with me. Yes my scars are fading but I feel lost without them because once they start to fade the urge to bring them back becomes stronger and stronger. From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. I'm honestly glad to say that that story is that I survived.
Please reach out to someone in need and support them in whatever they are going through, just make one person smile because that smile could make a persons day.
Scarlett x
Saturday, 4 July 2015
We go party (at the park)
Hey,
Where I live there is literally nowhere for teenagers to go. We are all skint so we cant afford to go to the shops so the best place is the park. As I promised here are some pictures from our day out.
One of the best things about this park is that it has a zip wire. These are so fun and good if you have anxiety because it gets rid of your fear. (I don't know how- probably because you are being flung up in the air- but believe me, it works!)
I literally just realised that my shoe matches my friends checked shirt!
Then we went into the lovely graffiti decorated playground- its not that bad compared to other places though. I don't know how on earth you could climb this; I freaked on the first bit!
We're so cool that we couldn't help but go on the baby slide. Also yes my socks do totally go with my shoes...
That's it for now so byeeee, Scarlett x
Where I live there is literally nowhere for teenagers to go. We are all skint so we cant afford to go to the shops so the best place is the park. As I promised here are some pictures from our day out.
One of the best things about this park is that it has a zip wire. These are so fun and good if you have anxiety because it gets rid of your fear. (I don't know how- probably because you are being flung up in the air- but believe me, it works!)
I literally just realised that my shoe matches my friends checked shirt!
Then we went into the lovely graffiti decorated playground- its not that bad compared to other places though. I don't know how on earth you could climb this; I freaked on the first bit!
That's it for now so byeeee, Scarlett x
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