Hi guys,
I'm really sorry that the last few posts are really down heartening but I need to get out my feelings somehow and this is the way for me.
I used to be so messed up, I'm not perfect now, but I'm better than I was. You know how people always say 'it gets better' now I can finally believe that because for me it has got better. I still hate my life, I still hate myself but now I'm not always sad, sometimes I am happy. I want to tell you guys about when I gave up, just to give any of you hope that it gets better.
When I decided that I was going to give up Tuesday
I remember that it was a Tuesday, for the last few weeks I had been planning my suicide, I had been writing notes to all my friends and family giving them my honest opinion, saying thank you and saying sorry. My heart hurt so bad and I couldn't hold my feelings in, so I went to the park and googled child helplines. This one called Childline came up, I had heard of Childline so I decided to phone them. I spoke to them for 2 hours which basically consisted of me crying. Once I had done I decided that I would go home and prepare for the next day.
The day I was going to kill myself and the day I survived Wednesday
On the Wednesday I was going to kill myself, just plain and simple. I'm not going to specify how because I don't want to give anyone ideas, but lets just say I was going to go to these bushes that no one knows about and kill myself there.
That day, I still went to school as normal. It was the first day that I didn't pretend to be okay. I didn't try that day, I did work but not much I mean there was no point, I wouldn't be alive the next day. In total I had 3 mental breakdowns at school.
My last lesson was maths and I was in such a state that I refused to go into the room and I just sat on the floor in the corridor. My friend was there and I was shouting at her telling her to go away but she wouldn't leave me. When I lifted my arm to wipe my tears my sleeve came down and she saw my cuts. When she asked me why I did it I just sat there saying "I need help" over and over again.
As we had been quite a while my teacher came out and when he saw me crying on the floor he told me and my friend to go and talk to someone. The only person I said I would talk to was my IT teacher so we went to him. When there I wouldn't talk so my friend told him. He phoned my parents about it and when I went home I wasn't allowed out.
If my friend hadn't stayed with me, if she hadn't comforted me, if she hadn't told my secret then I wouldn't be alive today, simple as, and I am so thankful for her.
That's my story, I guess the reason I wanted to share this was for the people who are going through this. Please tell someone, I know that may seem hard but just tell someone something, anything. And for those people who aren't going though this chances are someone you know is so please support all of the people you know and never give up on them, give them the time of day and make them feel important.
That's all I can say, thank you for reading,
Scarlett
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