Five very random March Favorites

Hey,

I was really sad and I didn't know what to do except come here, I didn't want to write a blog post moaning about it so instead I thought I would just tell you some of my favorites from this month. I haven't really got any photos to include in this post as I wasn't planning on posting this so I hope you don't mind me just listing it. By the way this post is sort of deep.

1. My pyjamas

The thing about depression and anxiety is it takes away every inch of self confidence you had about yourself. It makes you feel worthless and like you are unloveable. When I'm in my pjs I just feel safe. I mean I don't have enough motivation to get dressed if I am staying at home anyway. My pjs are just so soft and I feel like I'm being hugged. I know that's sad but I don't have anyone to nurture me and care for me when I'm down, so sometimes it's nice to feel like I'm being held and that I'm not alone. On top of that it makes me feel invisible and I guess its nice pretending not to exist. My dressing gown is a light pink dressing gown from top shop which has bear ears on. How amazing is that!

2. Hand Cream, Nail varnish and Makeup

The fact of the matter is: I hate myself. I think every inch of my body is ugly. These three different products I have put under the same category as they all make me feel like less of an eyesore. Hand cream (especially the Body Shop pink grapefruit one) makes my eczema covered dry hands feel so much nicer. Nail varnish makes me feel as though not every inch of me is ugly. Last of all makeup. It does what it does for most people who wears it: makes them feel more confident. My favorite makeup products of this month are carmex lip balm, Benefit they're real mascara and collection lasting perfection concealer. Thats basically all I wear. I don't have a favorite nail varnish but my favorite brand of nail varnish is Barry M, they're really affordable and good quality

3. Baymax

If you know anything about me you will know that I love Disney. Baymax from big hero 6 is my favorite Disney character. He just makes me so happy! After my exams are over I am buying myself a large Baymax plushie from the Disney store. Until then I will just make do with my small Baymax plushie, a figurine of Baymax and the DVD. I really like Baymax don't judge me!

4. Bandanas

Whist tidying my room I came across my old bandana collection and its amazing! I have four different colours: one bright pink, one light blue, one white and one dark purple. They are so useful as you can just put them on your head to keep your hair out of the way. Also they are tumblr and hipster as fuck!

5. Music, YouTube and Netflix

Okay I know this is really vague as this is a favorite from every month but hold on to your horses, let me explain! My mental health has been declining for a while as I isolated myself and cut of my support groups. When I was down I would listen to music or watch something and for that little moment everything was okay. Even if it was just one minute where Zoe made me laugh in one of her vlogs that's still one minute that I forgot my problems. My favorite music this month has been Justin Beiber's purpose, Ed Sheeran and 5 seconds of summer: sounds good feels good. My YouTube favorites have been MoreZoella, PointlessBlogVlogs and Grace Helbig. Last of all my Netflix favorite has been RuPaul's drag race.

I'm not counting this as one of my five but my blog has been one of my favorites. I've went through a lot over the time I've wrote this blog. I have aged two years from 14 to 16 all whilst writing this blog. This has been the place I could write down my shitty thoughts and put together posts which make me smile. It has been my distraction and my lifesaver. I am proud to say that for the first month in three years I have not tried to kill myself. If that isn't an achievement then I don't know what is.

Love,

Scarlett x

Maths revision tips

Hey,

As exams are coming up I thought I would write a post on how to revise for maths. I know maths can be hard and confusing but just because you dislike it doesn't mean you shouldn't try in it. If you get a good grade (C or above) in maths employers will be more likely to employ you as it shows that you have an understanding of how to solve problems.

1. Practice makes perfect

I know you've heard this a thousand times but it's true. Maths will always have the same style of questions come up so the more you practice the better you will get at it. The golden word (okay two words) PAST PAPERS! Honestly past papers are a life saver for maths.

What I do is either do a full past paper under timed conditions and then mark it or I do about half of it and research how to do the questions I can't do. Say I can't remember how to answer a question on surds I will get out my revision guide and look it up. I will make notes on how to do that particular subject (so surds in this example).

I'm sorry that the writing is yellow!

Then I will go into my revision workbook and do some questions on it. I will mark those questions and if I still aren't getting it right I will ask my teacher at school.

 2. Ask for help

http://rymm.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/estudiante-preguntando.jpg

You can't just sit there and struggle. If you need help just ask. If you are too afraid to raise your hand in class just go and speak to your teacher at the end of lesson or at break, lunch and after school. Also you can ask a friend or family member if you're not able to speak to your teacher. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I know some people may think that they seem 'stupid' for asking for help but you don't! You look as though you care about your education and your teacher will really appreciate that.

http://socrato.com/websitecms/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/iStock_000014850487XSmall.jpg

3. Attempt every question

Okay this more depends on what grade YOU want to get. All you need to do is pass maths which is a C, so when revising just make sure you know all the C grade questions which I think it like the first 15 questions of the paper. If you know you can answer all C grade questions correct then you will be able to get that C. Make sure you try to answer all the questions in the paper, even the harder ones like the A/ A* questions. If you have dropped marks then you can build them up by even just writing something obvious. Just try not to leave anything blank because you never know, you may be very lucky and guess the correct answer. Also write all your working out down so that if your answer is wrong you can still get marks for the actual workings.

4. Websites

https://www.pearsonactivelearn.com/

I do EDEXCEL maths so I will only be able to recommend websites for my exam board.

My school has a subscription under active learn which is this website which has loads of questions under different subjects. This is good as it allows you to practice topics which you are struggling at. Also as it is a school subscription your teacher can look to see what you're struggling at.

https://www.mymaths.co.uk/

MyMaths is an online website which also like active learn has questions on there for you to do. Our teacher sets this as our homework and when you go on to a task it records the result you got at the end. It gives you a percentage you got right and it also gives you a certain colour 'smiley face' or traffic light. My teacher used to be quite strict and if you hadn't done it you would get in trouble and be made to come back after school to do the homework. However it really helps you learn the topic as it gives you an online lesson you can look at if you're stuck.
On top of that you cant cheat because the question changes every time. I know that doesn't sound great if you've left your homework to last minute but it will be better for your grade (I mean you can still google the answer if you're really stuck!)
The account tells you when your homework is due and what it is on. I just logged on to see that I have overdue homework... lovely I'm going to be given detention, that's great!

I'm sorry this is so long I just wanted to include a lot of detail as I know I needed this when I wasn't sure how to revise. I hope this helps some of you with your maths and it had definately helped me just going over it all. I'm going to do one of these for each subject I take at GCSE level. Please comment below if you have any added tips which I haven't mentioned. Any photos which do not belong to me will have the URL they're from in the caption

Scarlett x

Alfie Deyes signed my book

Hey,

So if you watch Alfie's vlogs you would have seen him signing loads of these little cards to be put into his new book. I preordered the book and I was super excited to recieve it. When I opened my book I screamed. It was a signed copy. I have one of 500 signed copies of Alfie's book.

Scarlett x

Saying goodbye to my old blog

Hey,

I have been wanting to change my blog for a while now. It just doesn't look right. I really love the background but I'm thinking if I am going to re vamp my blog then I might as well go full out.

This post is to say goodbye to my old design and say hello to my new design whatever it may be.

This is a screenshot of the old blog and how I saw it on my laptop. It just doesn't look right and after all my hard work I just cant get it right.

Here's to a new beginning.

Love,
Scarlett

(p.s. I can now post pictures again! Thank you blogger gods for fixing it!)

Baby steps

Hey,

Lately I have become really ashaimed of my mental health. I broke of any support systems I had, I isolated myself from my friends, I allowed my anxiety to convince me that no one cared and I pretended to be fine. In hindsight people may have thought I was okay but I was getting worse and worse and worse.

I broke down. For the first time in a while I had a full blown mental breakdown and it was scary. Worst of all it happened at home. My mom came in because she could hear me crying and for once she asked me what was wrong. I sat there my voice muffled by my own tears it was almost as if I was drowning and I couldn't speak. Finally I managed to say something: "I just want to be better"

Even though I didn't really open up about anything it was the first step I've ever took to speaking about my feelings to my family members. My mom said she would phone school to try and get my support system back in there and get me a doctors appointment. I know it's hard opening up as what I'm feeling makes me so ashaimed but when I'm better I will know it's worth it.

Love Scarlett x

Exam season

Hey,

So this post here is the last scheduled post I have left. As it is exam season for me I will not be able to post too often. I just wanted to make this post so you all knew where I was and why I will not be posting as often in the next few months. I hope you guys can forgive me.

Love,
Scarlett x

10 hour ART exam

Hey,

Art was my favourite lesson in year 9 but as soon as I got into year 10 and I was doing it as a GCSE I began to really dislike it. My teacher took a lot of control over my work in year 10, telling me what I should do. He didn't take into account my personal preferences he just assumed what I would be good at. So for all of year 10 and up to the start of 2016 in year 11 I was doing something I didn't have an interest in, meaning I hated my art lessons.

When we came back from the Christmas holidays we got given our exam paper for art. We were meant to be allowed to pick which artists we wanted to do and I was planning on picking Walt Disney along with someone else. If you have seen my portfolio you will know that I love drawing Disney characters. My teacher said otherwise and would not allow me to use that artist. So again I am stuck doing artists I'm not that keen on, but I do enjoy it more than the coursework. The reason I don't enjoy art this year is because of the observations and just the short space of time we had to do the work. I spent every single minute possible working on my art from the start of January to the 14th of March. Our exam was on the 15th and 16th March. After sleepless nights and hours spent slaving away I finally got it done.

For our exam we had ten hours (5 hours each day) to paint and produce our final piece. I loved it. I knew I had enough time to finish all my work; I didn't rush but I didn't work slowly either. I just worked. We had 4 two hour periods and 2 one hour periods over the two days and both of those sessions went so quick. I was honestly enjoying it and I found it so relaxing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you enjoy art I recommend picking it. Don't do what I did and let your teacher control your choices because then you will enjoy the subject a lot more than I did. Make sure to start the work and get it done as soon as possible so then you have time to focus on other things. Last of all if you end up hating it like I did just remember it will be so worth it at the end as you know how hard you worked.

Scarlett x

The battle has begun again - A poem

The battle has begun again
The shells are being fired
The machine gun pellets are flying,
Penetrating soldiers,
Stopping their hearts.

We run
But we can't hide
The enemy always finds us, always rips us apart.

We scream for help,
Bellowing a surrender at the top of our lungs.

No one can hear us.
No one can see.
No one can save us,
From the war with ourselves.

The muffled voice

There was an eery silence in the air. Almost as if you can hear someone screaming, begging for help. A fog covers the landscape, seeping into your brain. You can't control yourself, you can't get the bellowing out of your brain. The cries get louder and louder but no one is there. You limbs are pulled back by an immense pressure and held into the most uncomfortable position. An invisible force pushes you forward towards the faded lake. Suddenly you're drowning, struggling to breathe; to keep your head above the water. You try to scream but your voice is muffled by the ice cold lake invading your lungs. Your body begins to fill up with the water as you find it harder and harder to swim. The tiredness paralysis your brain and before you know it you will sink. You become the muffled voice screaming from the bottom of the lake, haunting the vulnerable, taking them to their death.

Why it's hard to open up

Endless hours lying awake, unable to sleep gives you a lot of time to think. To think about the horrible thoughts which make me physically sick. Those thoughts have made me do things to myself which I cannot even fathom to speak. It has made me ashamed of myself and embarrassed to be in my own body. I am fully aware of the consequences of what I have done to myself and what I have tried to do. I am aware of what 'help' would consist of.

The fact is yes I need that help, but I am too scared to have it. I am too scared for people to know the fucked up thoughts in my head. Mental health may be more openly spoke about but it is still a sore subject. Most people would rather just ignore it and pretend it's not their then help people struggling with those difficulties. I am scared of the negative stereotypes people have with depression and anxiety. I am scared those stereotypes will be associated with me.

I will reach out but in small parts, I've built my walls so high that I can only climb a small bit at a time. However a small step in that direction is better then no step at all.

Sixteen years - A poem

When I was 2 I would cover my skin,
Tights in summer,
Jumpers in spring.

When I was 4 I would cry in the morning,
Begging my mom never to leave

When I was six I would play alone,
Abandoned at playtime,
Isolated and forlorn

When I was 8 I made my first friend,
We would laugh and sing,
Play tag in the road.

When I 10 I became insecure,
Shut myself away,
Refused to talk.

When I was 12 I was treated as an alien,
Bullied and ridiculed,
Gross was my name

When I was 14 I was deep into depression,
Suicide was a valid option,
I cut open my veins

Now I'm 16 I wonder will it get better,
A history of loneliness,
An ill brain,
Why has it happened to me?

What I got for my 16th birthday

Hey!

I have waved goodbye to being 15 with flying colours. Me and three of my friends partied all day, ate a load of junk food and took about a thousand unflattering pictures. As promised I will be telling you what I got for my birthday (my account still hasn't fixed so that means I can't add any photos)

Collection work the colour nail varnish: 8, babydoll pink
Babylips: melon mania
Zoella lets spritz! Fragranced body mist
Scentini perfume (not sure of the name)
5SOS tshirt
5SOS jumper
'Can't touch this' jumper from H&M
Rose and heart earrings from morrisons
Zoella awesome drawersome bathing collection
A Ed Sheeran poster and calendar
A little hanging heart which says 'life is better when you're laughing'
Some coloured pencils, pens and drawing pencils.
A picture frame with a photo of me and one of my best friends in it
This penguin phone holder
A super dry beauty professional prep&paint. With the bright pink nail varnish.
A massive 😍 pillow
Sweets and chocolate

I really hope I've listed everything! This birthday has been the best birthday I could ever have wished for. Thank You to everyone for supporting me and for my friends for giving me the best birthday I could have ever asked for.

The last 15 years of my life haven't been all that great but 16 I'm going to try my best to make you amazing!

Love,
Scarlett X

My 16th birthday

Hey,

It's weird because as I'm writing this it's the 23rd February and my birthday isn't until the 5th March! However I wanted to schedule a post for the day before my birthday. I will be doing a what I got for my birthday post.

I am going to be 16. I will have lived 16years on my planet. Me and my twin brother will celebrate our 16th birthday on a Saturday so we don't have school! I will be spending my birthday doing what I do every year: nothing. I really wanted to ask my mom if I could have friends around on my birthday but I was too scared. I will ask her again though. So on the 5th March I will be 16 and literally all that means is that I'm legal for sex and I'm going to be leaving school. Oh and I can get a job. I really don't have a clue what I'm typing but I'm typing anyhow!

Scarlett x

I'm back

Hey,

The last time I posted I was talking about how I was going to speak out about my suicidal feelings. I did that, not in the way I had planned but still it's out there.

I'm back on blogger and I'm okay for now anyway.

Thanks for all of the support.

Love,
Scarlett X

Liebster award tag - TAKE 2

Hey,

So it turns out I have been nominated AGAIN for this which I am not complaining about as I love it. This time I was nominated by Alice at http://aliceeastburn.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1 so go show her some love!!!

On the first one of these I shared the rules and tagged the people who I wanted to do this next so for this post I'm simply just going to answers Alice's questions.

What's your favourite food?
I know this might seem weird to some people but bacon and cheese. It doesn't have to be together but if it is, it's even better!

Hobbies?
I really enjoy art as long as it's in my own time and of my own choice. The subject art I now hate because it is so much pressure. I also really love writing and the whole consept of it which explains why I write a blog!

Cookie or cream?
I love cookies so much!!! I mean I also love cream but cookies is just on a whole new level for me!

Where is your happy place?
My happy place is anywhere when I am with my friends and in a good mood. Or it's superdrug or my bed. Oh and Portland because that's where my best friend lives.

Favourite colour?
I honestly don't have a favourite colour. I love all colours and the way they look. Colours are just so beautiful to be able to pick a favourite.

Favourite holiday and why?
Honestly I don't have one. I haven't particularly enjoyed many of my holidays but maybe in the future I will find a holiday which is just amazing.

Who is your favourite celebrity and why?
Music wise: Ed Sheeran because his music makes me so happy and I'm obsessed with him. Every time I listen to him I basically cry! TV wise: RuPaul as he is just amazing and beautiful. He is so brave to go out in drag especially as when he first started drag was not accepted.

When you were five what did you want to be when you grew up?
I don't have a clue. My mom doesn't know either so that's great! I know in the past I wanted to be a scientist working on treating cancer, a teacher, a journalist and a vet.

What is or was your favourite subject at school?
It used to be art but now I don't know what it is as I don't really like any of my subjects anymore.

What is your favourite season?
As I said in the last tag my favourite season is Autumn

What is your favourite book, game and or movie?
My favourite book is paper towns by John Grean, my favourite movie is Big hero 6 as I love Baymax and my favourite game is proborbly Star Wars battlefront as me and my brother used to play it together when we were little (on the PlayStation 2!)