Hello,
I got called out of my lesson on Friday and got sent to the teaching and learning centre in my school. When i walked in i got called in to one of the offices coming of it. Inside was my pastoral manager (pm) and the head of safe guarding (hsg). They looked at me and told me to sit down. My heart began to leap as they looked extremely serious. I sat down in what seemed like the most acceptable seat, but of course as soon as i had sat there i felt awkward. They began explaining making some converstation to try set the mood, for example: how was your day, you feeling okay? I answered there questions without being closed which was suprising. The hsg told me to look at her. I looked towards her but not at her as I cannot stand making eye contact. She put her hands out parallel to each other. She said that everyone lies on this line and that i was not in the place where most people sit, i was somewhere else. She said that she thought i had aspergis, which i did not understand at the moment. I just nodded and tryed to listen to her explanation which i also did not understand. Then my pm also tried to explain, but i did not understand still. When i got home i decided to google it to find out what it was. It is a type of autism. The symptons seem to describe me.
Am i autistic?
Or am i not?
Scarlett x
Monday, 14 December 2015
Friday, 11 December 2015
Running away from teachers - friday 11th december
Hey guys,
Today is Friday 11th December (14 days till Christmas!). To say that my day has been eventful would be the understatement of the century. Before i explain the events and how they unfolded i would just like to apologise for grammatical mistakes as i am writing this on my phone. Also i am splitting this into sections as it is very long.
As it has been mock week (well more like mock fortnight) i have been getting in to school at eight o'clock as they are holsing breakfast revision. Which is really great of them: free food and last minute preperation, well done! Anyway I was walking around our one way system of a dining room- which doesnt work- when i heard someone shouting my name. I looked to the side and saw my pastoral manager alongside the safeguarding member of staff who works in my school. My pastoral manager, lets call her miss smith, told me to follow her. So i began to follow miss smith, curious at where we were going. I asked her where we were going and she said that she had phoned in my parents. Shit...
I knew i couldnt sit in that room with both my parents whilst miss smith told them every single bit of information they know about me. So i didnt. We walked past the hall and instead of following miss smith i ran inside the hall and sat down. But i did not hide, i instead revised. In half an hour i was doing a chemistry exam and i needed all the help i could get. I was sat there revising when she came in and told me i need to come. So i lied and told her i would.
However i did not go, i went outside and waited for my exam. I looked over at my dining room and there i saw miss smith, and she was running. She ran all the way around and began storming towards me. She got up to me and said "you need to come with me now". I literally thought she was going to murder me. I went to my meeting where i got told they think i have something wrong with me.
Scarlett x
Today is Friday 11th December (14 days till Christmas!). To say that my day has been eventful would be the understatement of the century. Before i explain the events and how they unfolded i would just like to apologise for grammatical mistakes as i am writing this on my phone. Also i am splitting this into sections as it is very long.
As it has been mock week (well more like mock fortnight) i have been getting in to school at eight o'clock as they are holsing breakfast revision. Which is really great of them: free food and last minute preperation, well done! Anyway I was walking around our one way system of a dining room- which doesnt work- when i heard someone shouting my name. I looked to the side and saw my pastoral manager alongside the safeguarding member of staff who works in my school. My pastoral manager, lets call her miss smith, told me to follow her. So i began to follow miss smith, curious at where we were going. I asked her where we were going and she said that she had phoned in my parents. Shit...
I knew i couldnt sit in that room with both my parents whilst miss smith told them every single bit of information they know about me. So i didnt. We walked past the hall and instead of following miss smith i ran inside the hall and sat down. But i did not hide, i instead revised. In half an hour i was doing a chemistry exam and i needed all the help i could get. I was sat there revising when she came in and told me i need to come. So i lied and told her i would.
However i did not go, i went outside and waited for my exam. I looked over at my dining room and there i saw miss smith, and she was running. She ran all the way around and began storming towards me. She got up to me and said "you need to come with me now". I literally thought she was going to murder me. I went to my meeting where i got told they think i have something wrong with me.
Scarlett x
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Im so ashaimed of myself
Hey there,
Firstly i would just like to clarify that i am writing this on my phone so i havent got autocorrect or spell check and i am not the best at typing so... sorry in advance.
I have an uncontrollable eating habit. I eat so much food and i cannot stop, even if i am not hungry. I am so self concious about it and it makes me so upset as i cannot stop eating eventhough i do hate eating now. When i look in the mirror i notice the change. I notice my stomach and how instead of being an 'l' shape it is now a 'c' shape. But not a nice curve. An ugly one. I always see people who are on the bigger side and think that they look damn great and confident, so how come i feel so shit. Is it the fact everyone is lying to me, telling me i am skinny. Or is it just the fact i am afraid as i cannot fit into clothes i used to. My body feels like a prision to me and eventhough the cage has expanded it has made me feel more clostrophobic inside.
Scarlett x
Firstly i would just like to clarify that i am writing this on my phone so i havent got autocorrect or spell check and i am not the best at typing so... sorry in advance.
I have an uncontrollable eating habit. I eat so much food and i cannot stop, even if i am not hungry. I am so self concious about it and it makes me so upset as i cannot stop eating eventhough i do hate eating now. When i look in the mirror i notice the change. I notice my stomach and how instead of being an 'l' shape it is now a 'c' shape. But not a nice curve. An ugly one. I always see people who are on the bigger side and think that they look damn great and confident, so how come i feel so shit. Is it the fact everyone is lying to me, telling me i am skinny. Or is it just the fact i am afraid as i cannot fit into clothes i used to. My body feels like a prision to me and eventhough the cage has expanded it has made me feel more clostrophobic inside.
Scarlett x
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
Talking about my dad- part 3
My dad was emotionally abusing me.
Even though he had hurt me so much and even though I knew clearly how it hurt this still hurt me as much as it would of done if I was clueless. I was so upset. By this time I had started talking to people at school about it but, I could never tell them that. It was my secret.
He continued to be mean to me, to shout at me, to blame me for everything. He continued to walk into me, to 'accidently hit me', to pretend I was invisible. And what did I do, I stopped telling people, because I realised it was my fault. He had won. He had made me think I was in the wrong, that I was exaggerating what had happened. But I can remember it, as clear as it was yesterday. I can remember how he pushed me onto the stairs and I fell and really hurt myself. But of course I bit away the tears because it was my fault. I ran to the bathroom and I cried. I covered up the bruises on my face with concealer. I hurt myself more and more. I not only continued to cut but I hit myself, I pulled out my hair, I ripped my skin apart. I was dying on the inside, yet every day I covered up the scars, the bruises, I covered up my pain and went to school the happy girl that I was to everyone.
When I was called stupid, called a wimp, called mean. When I was told I was treating him bad. When I was terrified to be in my own home. I used to hate the sound of my voice because it seemed like every time I spoke he shouted at me. So I became silent around him. I became lifeless on the outside to mirror how I felt on the inside. I stopped trying. I stopped caring when I got out the car at school and he shouted at me, I stopped worrying that I didn't know what I had done, I stopped bothering that he thought I was stupid. I stopped being concerned when he ignored me and treated me invisible. Instead I just kept out of his way.
Yet I was the one in the wrong, I was the one who was treated as stupid for not wanting my relationship to get back to normal. But of course I did what every one else told me to do. I had to pretend to forgive my dad. I had to get our relationship back to normal. He hasn't shouted at me for at least a month now. Our relationship is not back to normal, and I don't think it ever will be. I will never forgive him for the way he treated me but I will have to move on. Because I still want a dad in my life.
When I was younger my dad was my hero, my knight in shining armour. I told him everything. We did everything together. He would comfort me when I was scared and he would fight of the monsters when I was having a nightmare. He would hold me tight when I was crying in terrible pain from my eczema. He was the parent that was close to me. I was a daddies girl. It was never my mom who did any of that. So when I lost my trust in my dad I had no one. And I miss it. But I know that it can never be that way again.
Scarlett x
Even though he had hurt me so much and even though I knew clearly how it hurt this still hurt me as much as it would of done if I was clueless. I was so upset. By this time I had started talking to people at school about it but, I could never tell them that. It was my secret.
He continued to be mean to me, to shout at me, to blame me for everything. He continued to walk into me, to 'accidently hit me', to pretend I was invisible. And what did I do, I stopped telling people, because I realised it was my fault. He had won. He had made me think I was in the wrong, that I was exaggerating what had happened. But I can remember it, as clear as it was yesterday. I can remember how he pushed me onto the stairs and I fell and really hurt myself. But of course I bit away the tears because it was my fault. I ran to the bathroom and I cried. I covered up the bruises on my face with concealer. I hurt myself more and more. I not only continued to cut but I hit myself, I pulled out my hair, I ripped my skin apart. I was dying on the inside, yet every day I covered up the scars, the bruises, I covered up my pain and went to school the happy girl that I was to everyone.
When I was called stupid, called a wimp, called mean. When I was told I was treating him bad. When I was terrified to be in my own home. I used to hate the sound of my voice because it seemed like every time I spoke he shouted at me. So I became silent around him. I became lifeless on the outside to mirror how I felt on the inside. I stopped trying. I stopped caring when I got out the car at school and he shouted at me, I stopped worrying that I didn't know what I had done, I stopped bothering that he thought I was stupid. I stopped being concerned when he ignored me and treated me invisible. Instead I just kept out of his way.
Yet I was the one in the wrong, I was the one who was treated as stupid for not wanting my relationship to get back to normal. But of course I did what every one else told me to do. I had to pretend to forgive my dad. I had to get our relationship back to normal. He hasn't shouted at me for at least a month now. Our relationship is not back to normal, and I don't think it ever will be. I will never forgive him for the way he treated me but I will have to move on. Because I still want a dad in my life.
When I was younger my dad was my hero, my knight in shining armour. I told him everything. We did everything together. He would comfort me when I was scared and he would fight of the monsters when I was having a nightmare. He would hold me tight when I was crying in terrible pain from my eczema. He was the parent that was close to me. I was a daddies girl. It was never my mom who did any of that. So when I lost my trust in my dad I had no one. And I miss it. But I know that it can never be that way again.
Scarlett x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)